this is my journal, where i just post my silly little thoughts. low effort entries below, expand at your own peril. [note to self: add a back button]
this is my first journal entry !!! this whole website is still basically a pile of garbage and i cant say that it will be done anytime in the near future
but im super happy this page seems to be working the way i wanted. i think i ironed all the bugs out in mostly a day. cant tell if its because i am getting better at this or if its because i just copied more of the html for this page than usual. i did all of this on the clock instead of actually working lmaoooo. dont tell my boss but 90% of my work day at this point is either working on this stupid fucking website or reading the news until i shit my pants and die (out of anxiety or just anger??? who knows)
tgif girlies! gas prices are continuing to go up what feels exponentially in my area ... trying not to contemplate how much thats eating into my paycheck and impacting my ability to save for my big impending move LOL. wonder what happened to that driver stipend our state government was supposed to give us to counter act that. might go full white woman and call the governors office or smth. election results are still rolling out for my area and thats minorly demoralizing —- it could certainly have gone much worse considering how many right-wing wannabe cowboy freaks live in the area but it wasnt that great either. someone vandalized a local school last week because a teacher supported a trans student and while there has been support for the school and the school board is backing them up, i am kind of deeply shaken by this. the fascist backlash of this pride month feels more aggressive and worse than ever, and this just is so close to home im so rattled by it. im so used to the low-simmer, casual trans/homophobia in this area that reflects that people are just not really actively thinking about you, which is comforting in a way. lets you coast under the radar in your day-to-day, even when you know youre not capital s Safe. and the deep rage and fear i feel has been deeply paralyzing, instead of moving me to act, which is unusual for me. i havent even talked to any of my friends about it -- i dont know if they even heard about it. i want to do something but im just not plugged in around here and will be moving so soon it feels kind of pointless to make a huge effort. maybe ill go full lib and write a letter to the editor or smth lmao. its really depressing ive been here so long and still feel so isolated, but thats partially my own fault and partially pandemmy. maybe its the shame of not being able to mobilize, to not have people im in solidarity with locally after all this time? who knows.
damn i wrote out that whole fucking journal post earlier and didnt even realize its my dads bday today. im so bad at remembering bdays, i remember that its a week before fathers day but somehow it escaped me that its today specifically. god damn. that means that its less than two months away from a full year of him being gone. dead i mean. its weird how compulsively i euphamize (word?) that. i think its a cultural impulse. i dont really have much to say but i just wanted to make sure i noted that i guess. i still have an insanely hard time articulating anything abt how i feel about it in words, but maybe thats because its just a pre-verbal experience. yeah.
im in [city name redacted]!!!! so nice to be spending time with my friends and being back in the region i missed so much. maybe makes me
a bit sad i wont be moving back here for school, but im also mostly just rly happy to be back. debating whether to reach out to an aquaintance who is local, but i still have some time to procrastinate. wont be able to see one of my friends bc he got covid a few days ago, maybe ill try to come up and visit again in august...
in other news, i went to a hardcore show in the next town over last sunday. it was rly fun, ive never been to a show with a mosh pit before. i didnt mosh, but i did get knocked back a few times and had to shove people back in the pit lol. it was a super small show(maybe 30 attendees max?) in a small venue and was rly fun. i dont have time to finish this bc im working and meeting friends byeeee